Do you want to know how narcissists control others, including yourself? And what can you do when a narcissist starts manipulating and controlling you?
Being around a narcissist is exhausting. They have their own clear boundaries while steamrolling over your boundaries. The narcissist’s self absorbed, selfish, and controlling nature can drain you quickly. Not only that, but you’ve probably felt like you must walk on eggshells around them. If you don’t, they might blow up, cause abuse (in any of its forms), and/or use manipulation or fear tactics to get what they want.
In this article we’ll explore how narcissists control others and what you can do to break free of the toxic, abusive cycle of manipulation that they cause. Let’s dive in.
First of all, what is a narcissist?
Greek mythology tells the story of Narcissus, a young, handsome hunter. He was so handsome that forest nymphs and young women from all over the land pined after him, including a young nymph named Echo (a story for another time).
Narcissus does not love anyone, and continues to disappoint and break many young hearts. His rejected lovers appeal to Nemesis, goddess of vengeance, who makes a pool of water in the woods. The water stands as still as a mirror, so when Narcissus passes by the pool, he catches his reflection.
He immediately falls in love with himself. At first Narcissus doesn’t realize he saw himself, but, after a while, recognizes that it is his own reflection. Instead of realizing his error and leaving, Narcissus obsesses over himself, staying by the pond and pining. He starves to death and dies by the water. Other versions say he got so close to the water that he fell in and drowned.
Some versions say after his death he was turned into the narcissus flower. Either way, the point of the story is that Narcissus was so self absorbed, it caused his own death. The cautionary tale warns of the consequences of vanity, self obsession, and an excessive admiration for one’s self.
So what does Narcissus have to do with narcissism?
The story of Narcissus is why narcissists have been given their title. Narcissists are excessively obsessed and addicted to themselves. This excessive admiration for one’s self causes narcissists to cause harm to anyone who sees the truth. That truth is that narcissists are people too, with mistakes, insecurities, and weaknesses too.
It has been said that narcissism is a person’s way of covering their insecurities. Instead of dealing with their problems, they blame other people. The blame can range from abuse and manipulation to controlling what others think or do.
Unfortunately, narcissists, like Narcissus, are so obsessed with themselves that it leads to the death of empathy, compassion, and humility. These are all characteristics and virtues needed for good mental health and non-toxic relationships.
So is self confidence narcissistic?
Everyone has to admire or honor themselves in some way, shape, or form. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is a narcissist. In fact, you can be self confident and not narcissistic.
Here are some key things about narcissists:
- They believe they’re never wrong. If you try to correct them, they’ll see you as a threat and target you.
- Narcissists have no empathy for others. They don’t care about people’s feelings, only their own.
- They think they’re perfect just the way they are. They aren’t the problem, but everyone else is.
On the flip side, here are some key things about self confident people:
- They make mistakes, and it’s ok. Everyone makes mistakes but the key is to keep learning, growing, and trying again.
- They have empathy for themselves and others.
- There’s always room for growth, correction, and change, so staying humble is key.
- If they don’t know how to do something now, they’ll figure it out. They are problem solvers, not problem makers.
With that said, let’s talk about how narcissists control others, and what you can do, as a self confident person, to break free of that cycle of abuse and manipulation. You got this!
Narcissists control others by crossing boundaries
They don’t care about your feelings, only their own. A narcissist has to be right, always. And if they’re wrong, or you prove them wrong, they WILL target you.
I read an instagram post the other day about narcissists and it said something like: “Narcissists should come with a warning label that says, ‘May cause lack of self esteem, self worth, and self control.’” I had to laugh because it’s true. Narcissists have strong boundaries for themselves but will happily and easily cross your boundaries to prove a point, or to control and manipulate you or others. It can cause you soooo much unhappiness and stress.
How do you break free of this?
Be firm in your boundaries. Have enough confidence and self respect that you honor your time, space, and energy. It’s easier said than done, but establish firm boundaries and stick to them.
Narcissists will try to make you feel like you’re weak or at fault for having boundaries but remember: you aren’t the problem. Stick to your boundaries.
Also read: How to Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Narcissists control others by playing mind games
I don’t know about you, but my anxiety used to ramp up when I even thought about dealing with a narcissist. The way they framed and said things was always accusatory, unkind, and on the edge of harassment and threats. I lived with a narcissistic parent, so I know what it’s like to walk on eggshells around them, hoping that they won’t crack.
This is a mind game, a form of control. Narcissists will shame you, make you feel guilty, put you down, and do anything so that you have to “bow to them.” In other words, you have to cater to their every needs, put them on a pedestal, and make them the center of your lives.
Reality check: the narcissist is not the center of your life.
I know it might feel like it in the moment, because they literally suck energy from you and all the people around you, but they’re not the center.
Your loved ones, beliefs, faith, values, hopes, and dreams are your center. Don’t let the narcissist take away from that. If you need to, do activities that help you ground and recenter: study the scriptures, pray, meditate, ponder, journal, spend time with loved ones. Do what you must to focus on your true center.
Narcissists control others by being resistant to change
Everything has to go a narcissist’s way, or else….
If you haven’t realized by now, narcissists are just plain toxic. I’ve often wondered to myself if a narcissist can change and overcome their toxic behavior and beliefs but… unfortunately, narcissists are resistant to change. They don’t like to be wrong, or to even think that they were wrong. Just remember the story of Narcissus. Even when he realized his error—that he was literally staring at himself—he still would not leave his reflection.
So when you present something or come to a narcissist with an honest and compassionate heart, wanting to help, they will resist. They’ll say you’re wrong then find a way to turn the table and attack you.
Nobody likes to be corrected or have a flaw pointed out, but especially narcissists. It’s best not to offer this sort of help. However, if you feel so inspired, a tactic that usually works with narcissists is helping them come to the conclusion on their own. If they feel like it was their idea, then they’ll do it.
Sometimes, in life, you have to deal with narcissists. But if possible, get yourself out of there. It’s not worth it to have them sucking the energy and life from you.
You have full control of your life
If there’s any word of consolation I can give you, it’s that the narcissists don’t control your life. It feels like they do anytime you interact with them. But remember: you have full control of your life. You get to decide how you feel, what to focus on, and how to take care of yourself.
Please be sure to take care of yourself first. If you need a break or time away, do so. Talk to a trusted friend or family member to validate your feelings. Pray for help. Just please don’t let the narcissist take your happiness from you. Understand that narcissism is considered a trait but can be part of a personality disorder. It is not a reflection of who you are or what you’ve done (though narcissists will try to make you think so). You are wonderful as you are, and you have a contribution to make. Don’t let narcissists take the hopes, dreams, and happiness from you.
Trust God and Jesus Christ
Personally, the biggest way I’ve been able to deal with a narcissist is through trusting God and having faith in Jesus Christ. Remember that everything unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. So if a narcissist continues to mistreat you—possibly until the day you are able to step away from them—then remember that Jesus Christ will compensate for all your pain, hurt, and heartbreak.
Of course, do what you can and leave the situation, if possible, with a narcissist. But if you have to deal with a narcissist, pray and ask God for a mantle of protection on you. When I have to deal with a narcissist, I literally need this barrier of protection so that the negativity, anger, and dark energy of the narcissist doesn’t affect me or my happiness. I am also an empath, so narcissists feed on empaths like me. Don’t let them suck the joy out of your life.
What is the mantle of protection?
The mantle of protection is something each of us can control because it’s the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When you live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you have hope and protection through Him, the Savior of the World. Nothing is dark enough to diminish your worth, confidence, and goodness. And with the mantle of protection that is the gospel, you can continue to focus on your dreams, joys, and hope.
Don’t let narcissists control your thoughts, focus, and energy. That’s Satan’s plan—he wants to control us, drag us down, make us miserable like himself. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Focus on the light. Focus on Jesus Christ. Build your relationship with Him and trust that as you do so, the mantle of protection will make it possible for you to feel well, happy, and joyful in any circumstance. No person or negativity, not even from a narcissist, can take that away.
In conclusion
I hope this article helped you understand how narcissists control others. They like to use mind games, manipulation, and shaming to control you. But please don’t let them affect you. You are wonderful and have so much worth and goodness. While the narcissist might make you feel guilty or down about yourself, remember that God and Jesus Christ would never do that to you. Strengthen your relationship with them and pray for a mantle of protection. Live the gospel to protect you from the negativity and manipulation of narcissists. You got this friend!
If you want something else to read, I also liked this article from WikiHow: How to Biblically Deal with a Narcissist
What are your thoughts?
Are you dealing with a narcissists? Is there something I missed here of how narcissists control others? How do you break free of that control? Let us know in the comments. We’d love to hear from you. Mahalo!
Save this pin for later!
