Want to have better conversations? Do you ever leave a conversation feeling either tired, weird, or embarrassed inside because the conversation just didn’t go that well? Or maybe you’re struggling with having better conversations. Maybe you never had positive examples of how to talk to people, what to ask, or even what to say and your confidence dips because your conversations lack depth and meaning.
Why do conversations suck sometimes?
Most times negative feelings from poor conversations come because we didn’t connect with the other person. Maybe we made an effort and asked all the right questions, but the other person didn’t reciprocate with their response or ask questions back. Maybe we were just having an off day and the conversation fell flat because of our own social exhaustion, awkwardness, or whatever else. Or maybe we simply didn’t know what to say and felt our own insecurities rising to the surface.
In this article, we’ll learn several ways to have better conversations with people. It’s not as hard or scary as you might think, and remember, the more you practice, the better you’ll get.
How I learned to have better conversations
From personal experience, I learned how to have better conversations and socialize in healthy and natural ways from my older sister. I admired how she could go from group to group, talking to anyone and making them feel comfortable, welcome, and seen. It didn’t matter how old they were or where they were from, she had a way of making people feel loved and her conversations went so smoothly. Not all of us have examples like this to learn from, so I’m going to share what I’ve learned from observing her and other examples in my own life. But please remember, try implementing what you feel works best for you. By the end of this article you should feel empowered, encouraged, and excited to try something new in your next conversation!
If you want to learn a Hawaiian approach to having better conversations, read about the value of “Pa’a ka Waha” in my book: Aloha State of Mind
Now let’s learn some tips to have better conversations…
Listen
This is going to sound strange, but one of the most important things you can do in any conversation is listen. Make eye contact, listen, and be present. Too many people think about what they’re going to say next, instead of mindfully listening to the other person. When we’re too busy thinking about what we’re going to say, we’re consciously disconnecting from the other person. We’re not giving them the time and respect that we’d like for them to give to us, and, even worse, we’re making it harder for ourselves to respond because we haven’t understood what the other person said.
When we listen, instead of thinking about what we’re going to say, it gives us an opportunity to really feel and understand what the other person is going through. Not only that, but we let ourselves naturally respond to them. The conversation feels authentic when we listen, understand, and then respond appropriately.
For example, if we didn’t quite understand their feelings or opinion, we can ask for clarification, or restate what they said in our own words, and ask if that’s what they meant. If we did understand their meaning, we can offer support, ask more questions, or respond in whatever way best fits their needs and reflects our own emotions and thoughts on the matter.
Don’t panic about what you’re going to say because people just want to be understood
I know that listening, instead of thinking about what to say next, might make some people feel anxious. But what if I don’t know what to say?
Honesty is the best thing! If you really don’t know what to say, then say that! People will appreciate that you’re being honest with them, and maybe their idea, situation, or feelings are so bizarre or out there, it’s validating to hear someone say they don’t know what to make of it. Don’t cop out with this all the time though. Follow up with questions or try to restate what they said in your own words to make sure you understand.
What it comes down to is that people simply want to be understood. Conversations go well when we understand other people and the way they’re expressing themselves. Do your best to listen, and go from there. And remember, it’s a two way street. We also feel good in conversations when others listen and understand us!
Another tip on listening is to listen to God. He can give you inspiration on how to respond!
Ask questions, and don’t be afraid to be curious
Another tip to have better conversations is asking good questions and being curious. Asking good questions comes with time and practice. Nobody is perfect at it the first time. Remember that the right question has two parts:
- Asking a meaningful question
- Asking the question at the right time
You can have the most meaningful and heartfelt question, but if you ask it at the wrong time (too soon, too late, etc), then it won’t work. You can also ask a question at the right time but if it’s not meaningful or fits the conversation, then the conversation can fall flat. Listen to your gut instinct and go with the flow of the conversation. As you practice, you’ll get better at asking good questions.
And don’t be afraid to get curious. We learn more about others when we ask questions honestly, not with any ill intent, and truly want to know the other person’s answer. As you learn to ask good questions, your curiosity will naturally arise and help move the conversation along in a meaningful way.
Don’t make it about yourself, but share as appropriate
Sometimes conversations don’t go well because they’re one-sided. We’ve all been there where one person dominates the conversation. Everything is about them, even when the situation or circumstance has nothing to do with them. Don’t be that person. Share when you feel inspired to, but don’t overshare.
Sometimes we overshare because we’re nervous—someone’s full attention is on us and so our words spill out; no control. Sometimes we overshare because we’re anxious. Especially people who have experienced a lot of trauma, oversharing is a common thing to do. It can be a way of dealing with things or wanting a reaction from someone else. But let’s have more self control than that.
We all need to communicate and connect with people, but know boundaries, speak when it’s appropriate, and don’t be afraid to stop yourself in the middle of a story or sentence if you realize it’s not something that needs to be shared. The times that it’s appropriate to overshare are with people you trust and love, and who have your best interest in mind. Sometimes we all need a good vent, so make sure those sessions happen with the people closest to you. Knowing that you have self control over when and where you share things will give you confidence in any conversation.
Respect other peoples opinions but don’t be afraid to share your own either
I would say half of the population is very opinionated, and the other half is too scared to say what they’re really thinking. Maybe those who don’t share their opinion are afraid that they’ll offend someone else, or they want to avoid a confrontation. Both of those are valid reasons to not share.
However, relationships can actually be strengthened when people, especially of different opinions, share their thoughts with each other. There’s power in the fact that every person is different. This might cause anxiety for people, and they’ll ask, But what if they don’t like me for the way I think? That’s ok! The thing about having a good conversation is that you respect, understand, and connect with other people. Be open, but have confidence in yourself.
Be confident in yourself too
Sometimes conversations fall flat because we don’t have confidence in ourselves. Believe that you’re enough, because you are! And maybe your thoughts might be different from someone else and that’s absolutely ok.
A helpful tip is to not engage in arguing or contention. It’s easy to read this section and think, So I have to fight for myself but that’s not what I’m saying. When you’re talking to someone, it’s ok to not have the same view points, and you can discuss this in an open, agreeable, and cordial way. Listen to the other person, respect them, and understand them. If they start to become disagreeable and contentious, remind them of the way you’ve treated them in listening with respect and understanding. People are more likely to listen when they realize you’re coming from a peaceful standpoint.
In the end, you might not agree on everything and that’s ok. Sometimes you can end that part of the conversation by agreeing to disagree. It’s not worth it to spend your energy on getting mad or upset because someone won’t agree with you.
Stop talking about other people
It’s time to stop talking about other people, something too easy to do in conversations. When I was a preteen, I realized that I hate when people talk about other people. I grew up in a small town in Hawaii and the gossip was truly ridiculous. People would be kind to other people and then turn around and talk behind their backs.
Gossip and talking about other people benefits nobody, even when there’s a mutual concern or the news being shared is positive.
Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” This is one of my favorite quotes of all time because it’s a good self-evaluator. When people start talking about people, I feel myself shutting down because I don’t want to talk about other people.
Why can’t I talk about people?
The reason talking about other people is not good is that it shows a lack of depth. It shows you’re not confident talking about yourself so you have to share the woes and successes of other people.
Think about it. When you’re talking to someone, do you want them to share about their brother, friend, neighbor, and so forth? You want to know about how that specific person is doing, right? Try to think about how others feel when you talk about people. It’s honestly uncomfortable.
The other bad thing about talking about people is that is creates distrust. Why would you tell someone about yourself when all they do is talk about other people? There’s no doubt that when your gossipy friend has a conversation with someone else, they’re just telling them everything you shared.
It’s time to stop talking about other people, even if it’s a good thing! Let people share their own good news. Or, if the other person is there, create a way for them to open and share their good news. Just stop talking about people. Talking about people is so limiting and awkward in conversations. It’s time to recognize that and get to the next level, even if it’s just a bump up to talking events like the latest sports, national or worlds news, or even the weather! Please listen to yourself and step away from talking about people. It’s better for everyone. 🙂
Have compassion and be kind
Probably the most important thing you can do in any conversation is have compassion and be kind. There’s enough bullying and thoughtlessness going on in the world. Remember that everyone struggles with something and they’re usually doing the best they can in the best way they know how. Have mercy and compassion, and be kind, always. Even if you’re having a bad day, you never know what difference kindness will make for another person.
Know that not every conversation goes perfectly
You might do everything in your power to have better conversations but it won’t always go smoothly. You might still feel awkward, embarrassed, or drained after a conversation. But if you did all you could, using the tools from this article, you can leave that conversation knowing that you gave it your all. You did your best, and that’s all you can do! Build your confidence in knowing that you put in your best effort. 🙂
How will you have better conversations?
I’ve shared a lot of tips here and would love to hear from you! Is there a tip that you want to try or a tip that you’d like to share (that I haven’t already shared here)? Let us know in the comments below! Mahalo!
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