Why Your Relationships Aren’t Working Out

Do you feel frustrated that your relationships aren’t working out? Maybe you’re trying everything you can: bending over backwards for others, smiling, staying positive, and doing all that you know how… but things just aren’t working out.

It’s really frustrating. And exhausting.

Let’s talk about why your relationships aren’t working out, and what needs to change.

I’m going to first discuss some reasons that are out of your control, like one-sided or toxic relationships. Then I’ll discuss reasons your relationships aren’t working out and how you can change to improve them. Of course, take everything at your own discretion.

This is not professional advice but simply an article to help you gauge where your relationships are at, and why they don’t always work out.

So let’s explore why it’s not working out.

Relationships that don’t work out aren’t always because of you

We’ve all heard those phrases like, “It’s you, not me,” because people don’t want to take responsibility for their behavior. They want to place the blame on you, making you feel like you’re the reason for the failed relationship.

This first section discusses reasons your relationships aren’t working out… and which ones are not your fault. Often we put too much pressure on ourselves to have good relationships with everyone.

But please remember this: you can’t please everyone. It isn’t possible.

For those of us who have experienced traumatic experiences and relationships, we want to try to control everything that we can.

But we can’t control other people, so take a deep breath and let’s talk about it.

The relationship is one-sided

A reason your relationship isn’t working out is that the relationship is one sided.

Either they’re putting over the top effort or, more likely, you are putting in 1000% and getting nothing back. Of course you don’t expect to receive anything back. You just hope that, because of your efforts, they’ll learn to appreciate and value you and your time, energy, and resources.

But it’s time to take a long hard look and face the truth: maybe they won’t.

Perhaps this person won’t ever see the good that you do, or they won’t ever admit it.

This is a toxic, one-sided relationship. It’s time to let it go. Please give yourself credit for trying, accept what’s happened, and let it go.

You can do one of two things in this situation: talk to the other person about it, or let the relationship end (not in an angry way, but just a “letting go” way).

Especially if this person is someone you’ll see all the time, talking about it might help. Or it might not. Use your best discretion.

With the second option, sometimes you just have to let things go. Be ok with that. Ask God for help if you need to have the charity and/or the strength to forgive.

The relationship is toxic

Another reason your relationship isn’t working out is that it’s toxic. A one-sided relationship is an example of a toxic relationship, but there are many other toxic relationships.

There’s probably a deeper and clearer explanation of a toxic relationship but it boils down to this. People who bully, abuse, cause harm, manipulate, or do anything to make you feel like you’re the problem is toxic.

Do what you can to get out of these toxic relationships.

The relationship is abusive

Just like toxic relationships, abusive ones are a huge reason the relationship isn’t working out, and might not ever work out. Please have the strength to get yourself out of this situation. Nobody deserves to be abused.

If you need help, please consider contacting the National Domestic Violence hotline.

For those in immediate danger, please call 9-1-1.

There are reasons a relationship might not work out because of YOU

While there are relationships that fail because of things out of our control, there are successful relationships out there. These relationships form because of two people’s decision to make it work.

People who want to make relationships work, with anyone, including strangers, are courteous, polite, friendly, optimistic, and, most importantly, kind.

Let’s dive into the reasons you might be harming a relationship, and what you can do to fix it.

You’re lazy

Relationships take effort, work, time, and, sometimes, resources. It often seems easier to not put in the effort.

“Other people don’t put in the effort,” you think, “so why should I?” If that’s the case, then you’re probably hanging around the wrong people!

Find your tribe, people you vibe with, people who get you. Look for the good in people, and remember this: we all need connection.

There are a lot of memes out there about introverts or being antisocial (I know this because sometimes I look up and laugh at them when I’m fed up with people). While we laugh at these memes and our own insecurities, remember that we still need people. Connecting with people helps us feel a sense of belonging.

Hopefully if the pandemic taught us at least one thing, it’s that we, as humans, are social. We need community and connection.

So put in the effort. Stop being lazy and blaming other people for your own insecurities and worries. You totally got this.

You lack confidence

It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you see “perfect” pictures on social media. I think many of us feel petrified and anxious about relationships because others seem “too good” for us.

When, really, they’re probably just as petrified and anxious as we are when they see our own social media profiles.

From personal experience, I have many friends and family who are single because they lack the confidence to meet new people and put themselves out there. It’s too risky, too vulnerable. I completely get this. We want to feel safe in our own bubble.

But opportunities are out there, just waiting for you. There are relationships, deep, loving, meaningful relationships that you can have if you’re willing to put in the work. Even if you don’t feel confident, put in your best effort and that gives you confidence!

You totally got this. It’s time to stop holding yourself back from the dream relationship. Have confidence in yourself and go for it.

If you want some help with boosting yourself confidence, check out these articles:

You’re hanging out with the wrong people

Are you trying to fit in with people you don’t actually vibe with? It’s time to move on.

Find the people who appreciate you for you. And do the same for your friends. Love them for the unique individuals they are.

A wise mentor once told me: “Be a friend to everyone, but choose your friends wisely.”

Kindness is free. Smile at people, be kind, friendly, polite, and courteous. But choose your friends, the people who are close to you. These are the people who understand, appreciate, and love you for you.

With the right people, you don’t feel anxiety, people pleasing tendencies, or simply not yourself. You’ll feel right at home.

In conclusion

You might have thought of other reasons relationships don’t work out. But I’ve tried to compile the main things here. Please have confidence in yourself. And if you don’t, ask God to help you.

Relationships are a vital part of living and the human experience. They make life rich, meaningful, and satisfying. Please don’t feel like you’re too far, too broken, or not good enough for a wonderful relationship.

You totally got this friend!

What are your thoughts?

Why do you think relationships don’t work out? What will you do to form healthy relationships? Let us know in the comments below. We’d love to hear from you. Mahalo!